Parenting through Change and Grief

I’m facing two very real challenges in my parenting right now.

The first of which, alluded to in an earlier post, is that Bean and I have recently moved. The move was sudden and she literally woke up in one house, went to Montessori, and never returned ‘home’. Very fortunately, we moved to a place she knows well and at which feels safe. Still, the change and adjustment is a challenge for us both.

The second is that my father-in-law (though my Ex is my Ex, his Dad is still family) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer earlier this year, and has deteriorated very rapidly. Since Bean spends every second weekend with her Nana and Granddad, she has witnessed his shocking demise, and even at 2 ½, has some understanding that her grandfather is not ‘just’ sick. This has also created a lot of changes to the parenting schedule. While I completely understand why, for her I can only imagine the world is topsy turvy.

Not surprisingly, she’s had some problems sleeping and is acting out. Testing boundaries, extra demanding or alternately extra clingy. She has also adopted a ‘brave face’, which she pastes on in the form of a perma-smile/giggle when she needs extra reassurance or wants to comfort others.

We’re getting through this. I’m trying to listen to her, and let her express herself. Her grief, confusion, let her adjust on her own time and in her own way. We’ve been spending more time together, we talk about what’s happening in terms she can understand. We also talk about what we’re doing to feel good so that she doesn’t get the idea that the goal is to wallow in difficult times.

I’m finding, however, it’s a fine line between letting her express herself and descending into habitual bad behaviour (giving in to tantrums, for example). On the one hand I am sensitive to the fact that this is an emotionally complex time for anyone, let alone a person who is still learning how to express themselves, but I don’t think it’s going to benefit either of us to alter our routine or dramatically change the way we interact.

Bloody heck, it’s hard though. This is all happening in my life also. The move, the dying family, plus the parenting concerns, plus going to work and doing my job and a couple other fairly major stressors thrown in (think along the lines of crap movers wrecking my stuff, for example). Sometimes, I think it would be easier to alter my standards of parenting, have fewer tantrums (sure, have a box of cookies for lunch and dinner, whatever) and more bossiness (she’s a little dictator in the making), less politeness (I’m big on good manners), but I worry how this will play out as she grows older.

I have to think that as much as I’m trying to sort through my own business her ability to handle adversity in her life, once I’m not as much a part of it, probably depends in some part how we get through these kinds of things.  So I listen and talk and hug (a lot) and we plant seeds, practice honesty, try to get enough sleep and eat our greens. And I walk a shifting line between understanding/sympathy and creating structure both my child and I can live by.

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