Since the split last year, it seems I’ve become a bit of a divining rod for separation advice. I take this as a huge compliment; both because it means people trust me and also because the thin veneer of normalcy I hung between me and the world during the worst of it must have worked, if only because I’m not widely known as The Crazy Lady. At least, not to my knowledge.
This is not professional advice, but just my own personal advice. If this gets you in a pile of doo, I’m not responsible.
1. Be sure. If you are considering separation and you have one or more kids, make dead effing sure this is what you want. Because while you may be solving some problems by getting away from your partner, there are a whole frackload more waiting on the other side. That is to say (and actually, I’m pretty sure I’ve said it before), it’s not easier. It may be better. But it also may be more difficult in some ways. And if you are not a serial relationship type, like myself, it can be a bit lonesome. Also keep in mind; weekly therapy for a year is still cheaper than a divorce. I strongly suggest trying it first. It still may end, and that’s okay. I’m just saying that you need to know.
Not that this is my experience, but if you’re being clobbered or otherwise abused, just get out. I don’t know you, but I know you’re better than that.
2. Plan for a LOT of cost. Make sure you have the money in a line of credit or (better yet) savings. If you are like me and my Ex, and a fairly young professional couple from limited backgrounds, all you’re really doing is deciding which gigantic hole of debt each will assume. Surprisingly, this is a very expensive thing to do.
3. If you can, skip the parenting mediator. I don’t know if this advice will work for everyone. The Ex and I were not into sitting around talking about each other’s feelings for hours on end, and just wanted to get a schedule done. We accomplished more for about $100 over dinner one night than we did with $600 worth of mediation. I guess the mediation was helpful a bit, but it seemed a bit touchy feely for a divorce. Just my take.
4. No matter what you read, and it will all say the same thing, if you had a few fights in front of your kids before the actual separation, you have probably not doomed your kid to a life on the streets. I know you’re not meant to, and avoid it if you can, but if your Ex is anything like mine than sometimes they’re so GD annoying you can’t help but have a shout on the spot. Yes, I did in front of a Bean. I am NOT proud of this. I do, however, think that lots of parents who do end up staying together have a go at one another with the kidlets around, and the truth is that most people turn out ok.
My point here is that it does happen and it will happen and if you’re actually thinking of divorce than it’s likely happened and you need to be conscious of not doing it if it can be helped, but also allow yourself to consider the possibility that you’re not a crap parent because of it.
5. Get help. And I mean outside of your circle of support. Someone who can help you navigate the complicated emotions. I’m not necessarily saying therapy (though, I’m not not saying it), but a rabbi or minister, a counselor through your company’s Employee Assistance Program. Someone neutral who can help you sort through. So, okay, a professional of some sort. Life coach. Anything.
6. This one was a total surprise for me. People will understand. If you’re off a bit, people will actually get that this is a painful complicated time. Mind, it can’t drag on forever and it’s up to you to get the help you need in whatever form you need it. And you may get a little annoying but that is probably more reason to re-read and take the advice of #5. But your friends, your family and whatever friends at work who are close enough to be let into what’s going on – they’ll totally happily readily without-reservation be there for you. So don’t be an island. Choose wisely – especially at work – but make sure you have outlets here and there you can plug into to recharge.
Thanks for the info, my husband and i have been done this road several times, and i appreciate all of the info.
We are trying to make it , but currently he chose to go to Alberta to work…i think it was an easy way out for him, but now i am going solo, with a 6 year old girl and a 6 month little boy. Reading from someone who is going through it is very nice, especially someone from the outside and not a friend or family member.
Keep posting, i enjoy reading.