As a separated person and solo parent I spend a huge amount of time looking at two-parent families. Sometimes I watch them at the zoo or the mall and wonder at the magic that keep this family together. What mystical combination of factors keeps that man and that woman (man-man, woman-woman, ‘sall good on this blog) and those kids in the same place in a long-term loving environment?
Because in my head, when I’m feeling sorry for my situation, and myself, these people are perfect. Happy and blissful in a way I could never be in my one-parent one-child household. The people love each other. They love their children. Their children love them. The children love each other. They make enough money, kids get straight A-s, they have time, resources, family, community and comfort. Any stress evaporates in the glow of the family. They eat pizza and chips and don’t get fat.
Of course, this is not true. Each happy family has a story. Many ‘happy families’ aren’t happy at all.
I mentioned in an earlier post that I seem to have become some kind of divining rod for people getting separated and divorced. I still find this a huge compliment, and have a healthy appreciation for the idea that what I’ve been through could help someone go through it a little more smoothly. I had so many missteps, knew so few people ‘like me’, that I often felt hopeless, stupid and isolated. Now I feel I can help other people through this process, as a friend and part of their support system. It also means that I hear a lot of behind-the-scenes stories that make the grass look a lot less green.
As much as I miss my vision of a married life that never was, and torture myself with the fantasy of the perfect family, I like not fighting. I like doing things on my own without the push and pull (read: shouting) of division of duties. I like setting things up how I like them. I especially like being able to focus on my daughter without the distraction of a challenging marriage pulling on my attention. Because anyone who has gone through it can tell you, if your marriage if seriously failing, you have little attention for much else.
Also, it’s worth mentioning, that weekends are getting better. I’m starting to appreciate the time I have when Bean is with her father. Fact is, I still miss her. So much I cry sometimes. But I also get that it does let me recharge. I have some freedom that my friends, even the ones on the green grass, don’t have.
That is some nice green grass, no?
I’m not saying definitively that being on one’s own as a solo is better. But I can say for sure it is better than misery and suspicion eating holes through your soul and feeling helpless to stop it. It’s way better than fighting about the same things over and over, and wondering how you’re just such a crap partner and communicator that no matter what you say, you can not get this person to understand your basic needs while trying to decipher the shifting sands of theirs. It’s better than the general unhappiness that comes from knowing something is wrong and being the only one fighting the good fight to save your relationship. It’s better than the death throws of marriage, which are heartbreaking in a way that can not be described, and surround you in a shroud of sadness that takes months, years, to shed.
There are other stresses that come with being a solo parent. Yes, indeed. But maybe it doesn’t just even out. Good God. Could it be that the grass isn’t always greener on the side of two parent families, no matter what? Maybe my faded little patch of earth is kind of greenish? Even to me? I guess I am on the other side.
Wow. This post was written at just the right time. You expressed so many of the core issues of my marriage. In addition I constantly worry that I think the grass is really greener…or that I just can’t grow anything : ). You gave me hope that single parenting may actually be ok, or at least better than what I have been living with.
Shhhh…. You’re spoiling the secret.
For years, I listened to people tell me how “difficult it must be to be a single parent.” How they “can’t possibly imagine” how I do it. How they don’t have enough time and energy as it is, and they have the help of their partner to raise their children.
What I always knew and never said out loud was that I very rarely felt it was that difficult. I never had to negotiate or compromise when it came to my little family. I never had to fight. I never had to give in. Sure, I was on 24/7, but really … most mothers, regardless of their relationship status, are. And not only that, many women I knew also had the pleasure of having to take care of (i.e. feed, clean up after, organize the lives of) their husbands in addition to their children.
But I never said any of this out loud. Because frankly, it’s not so bad being viewed as a super woman. “How DO you do it?” they would ask. “I have to,” I would respond.
Now you’ve blown that cover. Damn. Well, it’s a good thing I’m co-parenting these days and no longer wear the super mom cape. Now I’m just like everyone else, fighting, negotiating, and compromising my way through child rearing.
The thing that I love, though, about the grass on this side of the fence is that I get to share and admire it, green or otherwise, with someone else. I really do like that. Most days.
Your blog is spot on, very, very well written, totally inspired and I am not one bit surprised that it came from you – even if I haven’t seen you in over 20 years! Your experiences have vastly increased, but you have always been brilliant.
I can totally relate to every word.